Airport Security Would Be A Lot Easier If...#3

Apparently, a metal detector is no longer enough to prove you aren't up to anything nefarious at an airport. We now have these big, fancy body scanners.

I've used them a few times by now because I'd rather be scanned than patted down. If you don't know about these scanners, they shoot x-rays at you.

Sound awesome right? It's just like you're being scanned at checkout! People really are commodities! Maybe I need to start wearing clothes that look like this to the airport to make it go faster.

A quick BEEP and woohoo, nothing treacherous over there.

Or maybe, there will be a high enough dosage you'll get superpowers! If you're lucky, you might not even need that flight anymore.

Since I doubt anyone could really get away with being a barcode or end up as Super Carrie instead of Scary Carrie, it's time I get to the real story. Airport security would be a lot easier if people knew what they were supposed to do in these body scanners. The first time I went through one it took me twice as long as it should have because I had no idea how I was supposed to stand.

Here's how it went. Cue TSA man.
"Put your hands up."

"On your head."

"Put your hands in a triangle."

"No, on top of your head."

I thought they were on my head, loser.

So you can avoid this redundant conversation, I've prepared a 7-step instruction list.

How to Correctly Get Body Scanned at the Airport
1. Place feet in oval circles on ground.
2. Put arms above head like after a touchdown.
3. Fold elbows so hands touch.
4. Maneuver hands so they are in a vaguely triangular shape.
5. Place triangle on top center of head.
6. Stare directly forward.
7. Don't move until the perky TSA worker tells you to.

If everyone knew this beforehand, security would go a lot more quickly. There isn't any signage to explain this prior to the scary blue booth because they find it more important to share with you what they see. I guess it basically show naked pictures of people so these machines are on their way out. Supposedly the backscatter ones will be gone by June.

Some of the machines are being replace with similar ones so this is still a good skill to have. The new ones will no longer show an almost-naked photo, instead it'll be a generic cartoon shape. Maybe they are using my stick figures for inspiration!

Now that I think about it, that's probably better. After all, if they're taking naked pictures, they should at least pay you something instead of you chipping out a few hundred bucks for their services. Too cheap to even give you a copy. It could have been the new type of souvenir photo.

Until next time, God bless America.

P.S. Why not check out what I've been helping with at work lately? There are some great examples of students and professionals in STEM! http://fastforward.unl.edu/