My Open Letter to a...Wonderful Airport Employee

I started my week by traveling to Texas for a job interview. As I live in Nebraska, it takes two flights to actually get anywhere you would like to visit, meaning I took a total of four flights over two days. Aside from the fact that three of my four flights were over an hour late, I had one other little issue with my experience. All my flights were on planes small enough my roll-y bag had to be gate checked. I think the best way to explain what happened is through an open letter to some wonderful airport employees.

Dear Mr. Bag Thrower Man,

While I am aware your title is Bag Thrower, did you really need to throw it quite that hard? I am unsure if you were trying to impress your fellow employees with your strength or simply attempting to get your daily workout, but I am unsatisfied with the results.

I believe you were attempting to show off your strength because it appears you were going for distance. My bag obviously was not placed directly on the baggage cart because it was sopping wet when I retrieved it after the flight. (And by sopping wet, I mean wet enough my suit was still wet when I arrived at the hotel after my next flight six hours later.) I hope you were able to set a new record in the bag throw. Perhaps it will be added to the next Olympics. If so, I'm rooting for you.

I would like to compliment you on your dexterity. You placed my bag on the plane so delicately that my plastic makeup remover bottle split down the side and got the rest of my liquid bottles oily. You did succeed in teaching me the real reason my miniature liquids have to be in a plastic baggie....to make sure I don't accidentally makeup remove the suede on my heels. Thank you, I'll remember that one. My heel didn't break off, maybe you can shoot for that on my next flight.

Sincerely,
Scary Carrie, a less than satisfied traveler

I do recognize it could have been worse. A fellow student who traveled to Poland last summer had the worst baggage experience I have ever heard of. Her checked bag arrived in Europe and was covered in duct tape. Somehow, the baggage people stabbed a 10 inch hole in the back of her bag that also left a dent in the metal bar. It was raining in one of her stops and her bag arrived so incredibly wet that all her tampons had grown to three times their size, just like the Grinch's heart. I always feel a little bad complaining after seeing that. I do wish I had been able to take off my eye makeup though. Raccoon eyes aren't a flattering look for an interview.

Until next time, God bless America.

Airport Security Would Be A Lot Easier If...#3

Apparently, a metal detector is no longer enough to prove you aren't up to anything nefarious at an airport. We now have these big, fancy body scanners.

I've used them a few times by now because I'd rather be scanned than patted down. If you don't know about these scanners, they shoot x-rays at you.

Sound awesome right? It's just like you're being scanned at checkout! People really are commodities! Maybe I need to start wearing clothes that look like this to the airport to make it go faster.

A quick BEEP and woohoo, nothing treacherous over there.

Or maybe, there will be a high enough dosage you'll get superpowers! If you're lucky, you might not even need that flight anymore.

Since I doubt anyone could really get away with being a barcode or end up as Super Carrie instead of Scary Carrie, it's time I get to the real story. Airport security would be a lot easier if people knew what they were supposed to do in these body scanners. The first time I went through one it took me twice as long as it should have because I had no idea how I was supposed to stand.

Here's how it went. Cue TSA man.
"Put your hands up."

"On your head."

"Put your hands in a triangle."

"No, on top of your head."

I thought they were on my head, loser.

So you can avoid this redundant conversation, I've prepared a 7-step instruction list.

How to Correctly Get Body Scanned at the Airport
1. Place feet in oval circles on ground.
2. Put arms above head like after a touchdown.
3. Fold elbows so hands touch.
4. Maneuver hands so they are in a vaguely triangular shape.
5. Place triangle on top center of head.
6. Stare directly forward.
7. Don't move until the perky TSA worker tells you to.

If everyone knew this beforehand, security would go a lot more quickly. There isn't any signage to explain this prior to the scary blue booth because they find it more important to share with you what they see. I guess it basically show naked pictures of people so these machines are on their way out. Supposedly the backscatter ones will be gone by June.

Some of the machines are being replace with similar ones so this is still a good skill to have. The new ones will no longer show an almost-naked photo, instead it'll be a generic cartoon shape. Maybe they are using my stick figures for inspiration!

Now that I think about it, that's probably better. After all, if they're taking naked pictures, they should at least pay you something instead of you chipping out a few hundred bucks for their services. Too cheap to even give you a copy. It could have been the new type of souvenir photo.

Until next time, God bless America.

P.S. Why not check out what I've been helping with at work lately? There are some great examples of students and professionals in STEM! http://fastforward.unl.edu/

Airport Security Would Be A Lot Easier If...#2

Time for the second tip for making airport security easier, or at least tolerable. Not like it will ever be enjoyable. Unless they replace TSA workers with stuffed bunnies who carry Easter baskets full of chocolates. I doubt that'll ever happen. I'm sure someone would complain about their food allergies. Way to ruin it for everyone else.

The first tip was about shoes. So, now that you've taken your shoes off, the second step for making airport security easier is to...

Put your laptop in its own frickin' bin!

I understand why some people forget this. It is not as well advertised as the shoes thing. You are not forced to walk past four signs informing you that a laptop needs to have its own bin. And really, you're trying to do the right thing and place your carry on bag and all its contents in a bin in a timely manner. You really need that book of sudokus, that stylish neck pillow, and a tablet for your child to play with so they will not harass the other passengers on your 45 minute flight. Then oops, you forgot to place your laptop in its own bin.

Cue the angry person standing behind you who just wants to hurry things up and go through the metal detector already. Now they have to calmly wait while your bin must be passed back through the scanner. If it's been a long day, it might not be so calmly. Hopefully a brawl will not ensue, I don't even want to know what happens to you then.

I know this doesn't sound like a big deal, but I always felt if you really needed a laptop for your trip, you should know this rule by now. General family vacations don't require laptops. I'm a college student and I don't even need to be plugged in that much. So maybe the better tip is, unless doing business, just leave the laptop at home.

And, let's all hope this is what we one day see at the airport.

I know it'd improve my trip. 'Why yes Mr. Bunny, I will happily place my laptop in a separate bin. Have a great day.'

Until next time, God bless America.

P.S. Why don't you check out the stuff I've been helping with at work. We're trying to increase student interest in the transportation industry.
http://fastforward.unl.edu/index.html
https://www.facebook.com/fast.forward.matc

Airport Security Would Be A Lot Easier If...

Airport security would be a lot easier if....

I know how I'd end that statement:
-TSA wasn't so incredibly power hungry
-More than one bag screening machine was ever open
-People weren't dumb.

I think that last one pretty much sums it up. But, as there isn't anything I can do to make the security agents more efficient and simply less crazy, I think it's best to combat this from the passenger end. There's a reason security in Omaha takes as long as it does in D.C. even though only one-third as many people are in the security line in Omaha. Many people in Omaha don't fly that often and seem completely lost as to the security procedures. The same thing occurs in the Orlando airport. There, people are returning home from vacationing and have already forgotten what they learned only a week before. I guess that can happen when pushing a double wide stroller of exhausted children. Just please don't run me over with it.

The rules do keep changing, but it's all online, or on the signs you are forced to walk by to get to the secured area. I know everyone is too excited or annoyed to read those so I'll be sharing some tips over the next few posts.

Airport Security Would Be A Lot Easier If....

People Would Just Take Off Their Frickin' Shoes!

Regardless of whether you are wearing platforms or flats, combat boots or flip flops, they are still shoes. Yes flip flops, do in fact, count as shoes. You have to take them off regardless of how moronic that sounds. You are obviously hiding something in half an inch of squished foam.

I know the floor is a little grody and you don't want to deal with the incredibly difficult task of tying and untying your shoes. (I actually always wear flats for this purpose alone, I don't want to be holding up the line). So for everyone's sake, take off your shoes before reaching the metal detector. Didn't you ever wonder why everyone else was walking around in these?

It wasn't an epic fashion statement. Well....maybe just a little. Whey else would they have worn such colorful socks to the airport?

Until next time, God bless America.

P.S. Lately at work I've been tasked with working on outreach for the US Department of Transportation. If you or your children are interested in learning more about how transportation impacts our lives, why not stop by and see the newsletter/video series being put out by the University of Nebraska? You can find it here:
http://fastforward.unl.edu/
Or, stop by the facebook page and like it!
https://www.facebook.com/fast.forward.matc
You might even learn something.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles Part1: The Weirdest Flight of My Life

Hello all! I greatly appreciated the indignation on my behalf after not receiving a lollipop for a plethora of vaccinations this week. That should definitely be standard practice. I would go and complain if I'd had any nasty side effects.

Now, to today's topic, TRANSPORTATION! I understand you may not be quite as excited as I am but I'm sure you will be soon. And, it may seem a little redundant after Buses Make Me Nervous. But, that does not cover an important issue. How to get from one city to the next? There are three main ways...

Planes, trains, and automobiles! 

I've used all three and I'm sure you are at rapt attention waiting for my thoughts on each. First we have,

Planes!

I've only taken a plane between international cities once. It was an....interesting experience. I flew from Rome to Palermo and obviously back the other way. There weren't many choices for getting from Point A to Point B as Palermo is not on the mainland. I am extremely thankful I didn't have to take a boat. (I live in the Nebraska which couldn't get much more landlocked so I am incapable of walking on boats.)

Back to the flight. It was on a regional airline called EasyJet. It came with one bonus, or possibly detriment, of reduced security. I didn't even have to take off my shoes through the metal detector! Ahhhh, the small pleasures of life. I did get patted down though (but I set off the metal detector so can't really complain about that. And, it was less invasive than the normal procedures in the U.S.)

I was a little amazed by certain aspects of this flight. It was extremely delayed (which isn't really that weird these days), but the behaviors of the other passengers upon landing were so odd. I think this is better presented visually.

This illustrates the minute we landed. And by that, I mean we just hit the tarmac and are still taxi-ing around to the gate.

As you can see, that's me in the corner with a "Wtf?" expression. We had just hit the ground and immediately everyone jumps up, grabs their bags, starts chattering away in Italian (some on their phones), and crowds toward the exit. I was so amazed. Where was the surly stewardess to tell them, "The pilot has not turned off the fasten seat belt sign." Or, "Any and all electronic devices must remain off until an announcement is made that they are safe to use." Maybe I should drop out of engineering school and be a stewardess. I think I've got this down; I would rule the cabin with an iron fist.

While this was going on, I chose to simply stay seated, with seat belt securely fastened, until we stopped at the gate. It's been ingrained into my mind and I did not want to get flattened by the mob rushing to the exit or be stuck in the face by a bag from an overhead bin which, did in fact, shift during the flight.

These sorts of flights are quick and fairly cheap. The whole experience was a little strange to me because things occurred which would get you arrested by the TSA. But, it got me there without any sort of physical injury. I just kept wondering what other corners were cut. I don't advocate using a plane unless you have a specific reason (like the Mediterranean Sea) because you don't want to have to waste time in an airport. Blech.

I'll be sharing my experiences with trains and automobiles soon. I think each deserves its own attention.

So until next time, God bless America.

Oh Airlines, How I Loathe Thee

If you are going to be traveling any decent distance, you are likely to be flying. If you are, I feel sorry for you.  I've realized that basic customer service expectations are too high. Specifically:

-Your flight will leave on time
-Your flight will arrive on time
-Your bag will arrive with you
-Your bag will arrive in the condition in which you checked it.

This just isn't true anymore. To be safe, I now assume my bag will be lost or severely damaged on every flight. This is a good assumption because then you can pack to make sure you don't end up like Quinton in Quinton's Foremost Blunders Episode 1. Hopefully you at least have some clothes. I know Europeans are more comfortable with nudity than Americans, but I still think you'll have some issues if you try and prance about town in your birthday suit.

When I flew to Berlin, my bag was left in Miami. It didn't get to me for three days. And, I think I've figured out the culprit. Each of the last three times my bag was lost it was randomly searched. I guess my bag looks incredibly suspicious. Not sure why. It's just a red roll-ey bag. Maybe it works like a traffic light. Red means STOP!!!! and search? It seems so.

Unless you are incredibly lucky, your bag will be lost at some point. So, let's act like Boy and Girl Scouts, or characters of The Lion King, and Be Prepared!

Roar.....

Sorry, I got distracted with day dreams of being in The Lion King. Let's see what can happen if you don't pack anything useful in your carry-on. Here's Selma.

Ew, that doesn't look pretty. Let's analyze it so as to not make these same mistakes.

First, we see a grungy, grody skirt because she's been wearing the same clothes for four days. Next, we notice a swollen eyelid. Maybe she should of brought some contact solution, or at least her glasses. Pain or blindness can be a toss-up.

Look, there's a noticeable rash forming because she forgot her daily medications. Lastly, we notice the dirty hair and stink lines. You don't want to maintain your personal bubble with an odor. Maybe some toiletries would be a good choice.

Make sure you can comfortably live out of your carry-on for at least two days. It'll make you a lot more chipper if the airline fulfills their expectations and tries to ruin your vacation.

Until next time, God bless America.