The Creeping Creeper Who Creeps

We all have different definitions of what we consider "normally" friendly. You may be a hand shaker, a hugger, or an emphatic waver. I hope you're not one of those who stands in the corner with crazy eyes, a serial killer smile, and stares.

What I find most interesting is how geographic these definitions are. Take, for example, how things work in Nebraska.

If you don't believe me, you've obviously never met a Husker fan. I've had random Nebraska cheers aimed at me in Oklahoma, Texas, Florida, and Germany just for wearing a red shirt with an "N" on it. It's kind of like a not-so-secret cult, actually. We're not crazy, just a little too friendly for some people.

When we're not bonding over our love of football, volleyball, and various other sporting events, we Americans like to greet each other with the smile and nod. Let's see how this works. Here comes Jerry and Tim.

They're both a little preoccupied with mp3 players and smart phones to actually talk to someone in person. Why would you do that? That's what technology is for. So instead, they settle for the friendly, "Look I'm acknowledging your existence with a nod as if to say, 'Sup'?". That's classy.

The weird thing is this can come off odd in other places. I quickly realized the American welcome of smile and nod is not really acceptable in other places. Let's see what happens when Philip meets Eva on the street.

Ouch, they're trying as hard as possible to avoid eye contact. I definitely don't see a smile or a nod coming. It looks we're going to settle for cold indifference or choosing to blatantly ignoring people. This is why when I walked around smiling, looking everyone in the eye, and nodding I came off as a creeper. You tend to get stared at, and not in a "That American chick is so adorable" kind of way. Here's what it looked like when I ran into Philip.

Really, I was just trying to be friendly. Though I may have done just a little more than smile and nod. I can't help that I'm super excited to be somewhere other than Nebraska. I'm not actually a creeper, though a few Europeans may disagree.

Until next time, God bless America.

Quinton's Foremost Blunders Episode 1

Quinton, The Quintessential Ugly American Tourist, made his first appearance in "I'm on Vacation and Already Stressed". But now, it's time for his first official cartoon. Hooray! I know you're all so excited, I can see you there on the edge of your seats.

So we welcome Quinton, who didn't make a great packing choice. He checked a bag with the airline and it included the majority of his essentials. After all, he needed to fill his carry-on with film. There are just so many pictures to take! It's a little unlucky that the guy at the electronics store didn't mention his new camera doesn't actually use film.

Guess what happened to Quinton's checked bag?

Your guess is as good as mine because we still don't know where it ended up. It's only been four days. After all, it's not like you pay the airlines hundreds of dollars to put bar codes on your bags or anything.....
But, Quinton has decided to soldier on with his head held high. No reason to let a little lost bag ruin your vacation. Look, he made it to the leaning tower of Pisa.

Wow, I had no idea Quinton liked kittens so much. At least he found a way to make sure his picture is one to remember. Does it count as a kitschy tourist picture if yours if the only one like that? And really, with a sleeping cap he can pretend he's a wizard in his spare time. Maybe he's the one who made it tilt.

Unless you want to make pink, kitten pajamas the new fashion trend, you may want to put some clothes in your carry-on. I really doubt you need that much film. Though, I think Quinton's picture is pretty epic.

Until next time, God bless America.

J-J-J-J-J-J-J-Jaywalking

Have you ever been almost killed by a Hungarian car?
I have.

Definitely wasn't the highlight of my vacation. At least I wasn't actually hit, broken bones were not my idea of a good souvenir. That's why I've decided that I'm going to to share some information about international crosswalks so you can make it home with all your appendages intact. You're welcome :).

I'm a college student so I jaywalk constantly. If a car is coming I know it's going to stop for me because I'm just that awesome. This is also true if that "car" happens to be a tractor. I'm from Nebraska, that's more common than you'd think. And really, there's no reason to be scared of tractors, they don't even go that quickly. Besides, Nebraskans always stop for pedestrians because they only want to rundown you down if you're a deer or a squirrel.

Midwesterners are never in a hurry. Cities are small and there isn't much else nearby. How much of a hurry can you be in if the only thing outside a 5-mile radius is a corn field? And, I doubt a 10 second stop will make you late to the office six blocks away. To make sure you got it, here's how it works in Nebraska.

Walk sign is on, go right ahead. The guy in the tractor is even wishing you a good day.

Don't walk, go right ahead. The guy in the tractor is still wishing you a good day.

That's not quite how it works in Europe. No one jaywalks. It was incredibly weird for me to see people stand on the corner, even when no one was coming. You start to wonder if they're blind and simply didn't see the sign. If you do try and cross, bam, $60 fine. Ouch. I'd rather spend that on some fancy doodads.

More importantly, since no one jaywalks, drivers don't watch for you. If you aren't supposed to be walking, they'll speed right on by. At least the cars are tiny. They're so small they may just bounce off but you probably don't want to risk it. Here's what my experience was like.

Walk sign is on, look at me go. That little car is waiting for me oh so patiently.

Don't walk, I'm glad I didn't get too far out there. My poor bows!!!! I hope they didn't fall down a sewer grate.

Some countries are worse than others. Take Italy for example, you may be hit regardless of the walk sign. All those mopeds seem to be in quite a hurry. Here's what it looked like.

Sorry, you need to excuse me. I'm going to go cry in the fetal position now.

Until next time, God bless America.

Would You Like a City Tour?

No, I would not like a city tour thank you very much. This is the most commonly asked question to any American tourist. As previously mentioned in "White Tennis Shoes are Super Sexy", Americans have a tendency to stick out. Therefore, panderers stalk us like predators. You can see their eyes light up with, "Look, Americans, they have money, mwahahahahahaha". If you're lucky, you may be harassed by someone who doesn't use a demonic laugh.

I'm sure you won't be lucky enough to avoid them all so we need to prepare you for when they bother you. This is what it started to sound like as I walked down the street.

Would you like a city tour?
No thank you.
City tour?
No.
Take a city tour?
No!
Sure you wouldn't like a city tour?
Leave me the hell alone!
City tour?
Don't make me mace you.

Hopefully your patience is greater than mine. I've been told the best thing to do is ignore them but it's a little hard to do when you're hot and your feet are killing you. Some panderers are going to just have to deal with a little frustration.

I found the best way to make it past the obnoxious city tour aficionados is to blend in. You walk around by yourself dressed as much like the native population as possible. Obviously, this doesn't work when in large groups of if you simply don't look at all like the native population. We know Quinton would have problems with that. So, I think it's time we invent a new approach to avoid them. Watch me and follow along.

Ha, I bet you can't see me. And then, neither can the panderers. Maybe you should pick up on my camouflage techniques so you can avoid them too, and save yourselves $100 or some jail time.

Until next time, God bless America.

The Cursed Carriage Ride

It's time to check in on John and Mindy. Hopefully The Curmudgeon and the Spaz have solved some of their issues.

Ouch, I guess it's not at all improved. At least Mindy is having a good time.

Until next time, God bless America.

Official Introduction of the Ugly American Tourist

I'd like everyone to give a warm welcome to our title character. Welcome Quinton, the Quintessential Ugly American Tourist.

If you were paying attention, you'd notice he already appeared in "I'm on Vacation and Already Stressed". But he's so special he deserves an official introduction. Quinton will be appearing in a weekly cartoon about his dalliances. I know you can barely contain your excitement for the first one. Don't worry, It'll be coming soon. Quinton is ready with map in hand and fanny pack at his waist. Bam!

On another note, we have our first follower! Yay! Thanks to http://delightfullyludicrous.blogspot.com/. If you haven't checked it out yet, you really should. And to Kellie, here's your prize.

It's super classy.

Until next time, God bless America.

It's Time to Institute a 3-foot Rule

Today I would like to introduce the idea of proximity. In particular, proximity to things you shouldn't be near. And no, I'm not talking about germy people, deranged exes, rabid dogs, or crazed fans. Even though I think you need to watch out for those too. Here's what happened to me last weekend. I was afraid for my life.

If only. Here's what really happened last weekend.

Ok, ignoring those self-deprecating thoughts, I would like to broach the topic of things you shouldn't be near which are worth more than your house. Travel gives incredible opportunities to see priceless works of art. You can drink in the sights of the masters or, more likely, make yourself seem incredibly cultured next time you want to hit on a waitress. You'll be talking about the elegance of Van Gogh's brushstrokes and how you were exhilarated by that Monet. You can sound like a worldly, high-class gentleman. Or an ass. But you never know, some women like that.

While it seems like it should be common sense, an art museum is a situation for "lookie no touchie". I doubt we can convince the Louvre to do an interactive play-doh exhibit. Though, that would be awesome. Until we can, we have to keep our proximity beyond the damage threshold. Look at Winston here, he's doing such a good job.

Most Americans are well aware of this because we know what will happen if we don't follow this rule. Let's see how Bertrand does.

That probably wasn't a good idea. Here's what happened next.

Ouch. It looks like Bertrand isn't doing so hot. Maybe you shouldn't try and poke a painting. That seems pretty obvious. But one thing that isn't as obvious, the acceptable proximity to pieces of art vary greatly. I've devised a graph to explain this.

As you can see from the graph, there is a certain distance you much stay away from even the worst art. When you get to point A, the distance drastically increases. Point A applies to art done by people you'd hear about in an introductory art history class. Assuming you took and weren't just texting the entire time.

Point B is a little more interesting. Point B is where the acceptable proximity starts to increase exponentially. The location of this point varies depending on the type of art. I will break it into "Art that Looks Like Stuff" and "Art that Looks Like it Was Done by a Kindergartner". You know what I'm talking about.

In the case of "Art that Looks Like Stuff", point B is where viewers spontaneously break out crying while in its presence. In the case of "Art that Looks Like it Was Done by a Kindergartner", this is where it becomes so ugly that, if it was actually done by a kindergartner, the parents would be too embarrassed to even put it on the fridge. Better stay away from that. The ugliness may rub off on you.

Not all tourists seem to have gotten this memo. I once saw a little, Italian boy on a field trip put his hand on a Michelangelo statue. Too bad my spidey senses weren't buzzing or I would have stepped in with a dramatic

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I could have tackled him to the ground to deter this horrendous snafu. Maybe it was good I didn't. The clumsy person I am probably would have looked like this afterward.

This is why I think we need to institute a 3-foot rule. It's just safer for everyone.

Until next time, God bless America.